NIGGAZ WHO ROBBED HEAVEN
Updated: Mar 8, 2018
FIRST NIGGA: Listen forget about Robbing Heaven. Its surrounded by 12 Pearly Gates. Guarded by Cherubims. And they will cut your goddam head off.
SECOND NIGGA: I know sumbody who lives there tho.
1st Nigga: Umph. So you got sumbody on the Inside. Who?
2nd Nigga: I cant tell you. You mite know Him.
1st Nigga: So it IS a HIM, huh?
2nd Nigga: Uh —
1st Nigga: U mite as well admit that much, mayne. U basikally said YEAH already.
2nd Nigga: True. So U rite. Its a Brotha frum Anotha Motha. He got me squared away on sum shit.
1st Nigga: Like what?
2nd Nigga: He know a BACK way into Heaven.
1st Nigga: Wont Work. You HAVE to come in the Front Door. First thing in the Morning. Thats Mandatory.
2nd Nigga: True. It IS Mandatory. Butt thats only if you NEW. And you never been there before. You gotta go thru Orientation. Butt when you Been To Heaven Before, you dont have to go to Orientation. Thats the Loophole.
1st Nigga: So you sayin you BEEN to Heaven already?
2nd Nigga: Yeah. I was there about 4,000 years ago. Then, I Got kicked out for Letting my Chariot Swing Low when I was Riding it. I Died here on earth from a Lynching by sum Angels in White Robes. And went BACK to heaven for the Second time. Saw sum more Angels walking around in White Robes — which confused the hell outta me. Then, I Got Kicked out again for the SECOND time for Flying around heaven all day. Now, Im on my last go round.
1st Nigga: Hmmmmmm.
2nd Nigga: You dont bleeve me?
1st Nigga: Its not that.
2nd Nigga: Well, what?
1st Nigga: You think you kan really steal the Heavenly Treasures in broad daylite?
2nd Nigga: Not Think. I KNOW I kan. They are only guarded by ONE Deity.
1st Nigga: And who is that?
2nd Nigga: Guess!
1st Nigga: JESUS?
2nd Nigga: No. GOD, himself.
1st Nigga: Hell, he never SLEEPS tho. So aint no possible way you kan steal them Heavenly Treasures.
2nd Nigga: Nah, GOD Sleeps mah Nigga. In fack, he sleeps A LOT. He just sleeps with his Eyes open so peeple THINK he awake.
1st Nigga: How you know all this?
2nd Nigga: I tole you, mayne. I got a Nigga on da inside. PLUS, I been to Heaven enuff to know whats up with GOD. He be sleep on the Job. He dont be Watching Peeple like that on Earth fo real. And Peep this. His sleep schedule is real simple: whenever you see the Moon that means he Sleep. And when you see the Sun that mean he Awake. He mite be up doing his lil exercise tho like blowing wind or throwing thunderbolts out of SMITE. However, when me and the Crew go at Nite, God gone be DEAD asleep.
1st Nigga: What if I tole you that you cant Sneak into Heaven at Nite because a bunch of Niggaz already tried that and got Caught. And Killed for Trespassing on God’s Property??
2nd Nigga: They missed sumthing. Thats all. Not Me. I been working on this latest plan for over 400 years now.
1st Nigga: Still, what if I tole you that even tho God be Sleep at nite he still have Jesus, Joseph and Mary watching for him?
2nd Nigga: Well, Jesus is a Soft Touch. My peeples told me he kan be Bribed with a good bottle of Wine.
1st Nigga: What about Joseph?
2nd Nigga: Give him a Technicolored Dreamcoat and he’ll look the other way too.
1st Nigga: What bout Mary. Yall got sum shit on Mary too?
2nd Nigga: Um hm. She be fucking The Angel Gabriel when Joseph is out on his Carpentry job fixing shit round Heaven. However, it dont matter to Joseph because he’s Nailing Mary’s Sister, Mary Junior.
1st Nigga: All of this is going on in Heaven? Rite under God’s nose?
2nd Nigga: Yessir. Most of this shit happens at nite. Like I said: God be Sleep.
1st Nigga: What if I told you that God know all that shit is going on and he just lets it happen so peeple Will THINK they kan Sneak into Heaven at Nite? Butt they wind up gitting caught and Sentenced to HELL for an Eternity?
2nd Nigga: What if I tole you that dont scare me None cuz I been to HELL more times than I been to Heaven and —
1st Nigga: What’s the difference?
2nd Nigga: I was just bout to say. And I actually prefer Hell over Heaven.
1st Nigga: Why is that?
2nd Nigga: No Curfew.
1st Nigga: Why you wind up in Hell in the first place?
2nd Nigga: Well, the first time I was just Visiting and liked it so much I tried to stay butt they made me leave cuz I aint have the rite paperwork.
1st Nigga: and the Second Time?
2nd Nigga: I snuck back. It was easy.
1st Nigga: I be dam. Why is it so Easy?
2nd Nigga: Cuz the Devil Stay Bizzy. He dont even be looking, mayne.
1st Nigga: Bizzy doing what?
2nd Nigga: All I know is he be in his Workshop a lot doing shit.
1st Nigga: Umph. You see anybody we know?
2nd Nigga: Yeah, I saw Yo Mama there. She said to tell you, you still aint shit.
1st Nigga: She would say sum shit like that. Butt you know what?
2nd Nigga: What?
1st Nigga: I think I wanna work with you on Sneaking into Heaven.
2nd Nigga: Aww yeah? Why you changing your Mind?
1st Nigga: Cuz your Plan sounds good. And to tell you da Truth, I been wanting to do the shit myself for the longest. Except, I just never had enuff information.
2nd Nigga: Truth be tole, in the interest of being Transparent, I Googled a lotta this shit.
1st Nigga: Is THAT rite?!
2nd Nigga: Yessuh!
1st Nigga: I be dam. So Whats the Best Day to do this?
2nd Nigga: You joking rite?! The SABBATH DAY, mayne! Cuz thats when God not only Rests, he Sleep the WHOLE, entire day away.
1st Nigga: I be dam. Thats rite! I never thought about that shit.
2nd Nigga: And check this out: last time I was in Hell I stole the Map the Devil be using to go To and Fro Heaven. Its got secret routes n shit.
1st Nigga: Didnt God kick the Devil outta Heaven too?
2nd Nigga: Yeah, butt they still Kool. Cuz what muthafuckaz dont realize is that the DEVIL is actually God’s Son.
1st Nigga: Maynnnnne! How u be finding out all this shit?!
2nd Nigga: (just looks with raised eyebrows)
1st Nigga: Rite. GOOGLE.
2nd Nigga: The Devil Wife snitched too, tho.
1st Nigga: Wait. The Devil married?!
2nd Nigga: Hell yeah. And got a Legion of Babies. Everywhere.
1st Nigga: Whats his Wife name?
2nd Nigga: SHE-DEVIL.
1st Nigga: So Why SHE help you?
2nd Nigga: Cuz she mad at his ass. He stay Bizzy.
1st Nigga: Maybe he just working hard for them.
2nd Nigga: Thats the problem. The Devil always Bizzy. And she tired of that shit. Tole me she ready to leave him and go to Heaven.
1st Nigga: Is she Fine?
2nd Nigga: She a HOTTIE fa sho.
1st Nigga: What else she tell you?
2nd Nigga: Tole me the Devil REAL name is LUTHER FURR. Thats his Gubmint name.
1st Nigga: I caint bleeve this shit.
2nd Nigga: Bleeve it Brotha. So look I gotta run sum errands. Butt I just wanted to Stop and rap with you and see if you wanted IN on this shit. Cuz its going down.
1st Nigga: HELL yeah I want in, mayne! You know it aint no Fun if Homie cant git None!
2nd Nigga: You got any more Objections or WHAT IFS? Cuz I know if anybody could punch holes in my plans it would be you.
1st Nigga: Hmmmm. Lemme think on that. When you need an answer?
2nd Days: In 7 Days.
1st Nigga: Butt for the most part, I think Im ready to do this shit. I cant wait to git me a lil piece of Heaven. How we gitting there?
2nd Nigga: Cloud Nine take you straight there.
1st Nigga: Im here for it.
2nd Nigga: Aight. See you in 7 days.
1st Nigga: Bet.